I was recently going through some of my dad's stuff. I found a folder that Gabe had made for his papaw as a birthday gift. It had many different stories and pictures in it. There was one story that certainly caught my attention. These were Gabe's words written in the fourth grade.

I asked my momma one day what happens to people when they die. She said "angels come and take you to heaven." I told my mom that I did not want anyone but my papaw to take me to heaven.

Of course for those that might not know, my dad, Gabe's papaw, died just eleven weeks before Gabe did. Sounds like Gabe got his wish.

Of course Gabe and his papaw were close from the very beginning. Because of my dad's work, he was unable to come to the hospital when Gabe was born. At the time, Judy, the kids and I were living with my mom and dad. When we came home from the hospital, dad rushed out the door to get the baby. The two of them had a special bond from that day on. Dad loved holding him and spending as much time as possible with him. Dad has always been known for creating special names for everyone in the family. His special name for Gabe soon became "Bitney's." Don't ask me what the name means or why my dad came up with it, but it stuck. There will be many more Papaw and Bitney's stories, but for now I am glad the two of them are together.

My grief counselor has told me that I should journal and at times I have, but those times have been few and far between. I have decided that I want to share the life of my boy. Many have been blessed by his life and his death. Hard to think that someone could be blessed by the death of someone, but there have been many of you that have told me how God has used Gabe's life and death to bless you. Thank you for those words. Over the next year, as God leads and as I am able, I will blog about Gabe's life from his beginning to today. I hope that you take time to read about my son's life, but to be honest this is more about my healing and just sharing about a boy that I am still very passionate about. I also hope that if you know someone that has lost a child, please direct them to this blog. I say that because reading the stories of other parents that lost children was one of the most comforting things that got me through the very difficult days following Gabe's death. Also, if you take time to read, then I hope God uses my words and Gabe's story to bring His glory to your life. Enjoy!

When Judy was pregnant with Gabe, I would scratch/tickle her tummy and sing to my baby boy. I am sure that many of you dads have done similar things. He would kick like crazy...probably wishing I would shut up. However, just minutes after my boy was born the nurses took him from Judy and handed him to me. Of course he was crying. The nurse laid his back in the palm of my hand. Immediately without thinking, I started tickling his back and singing to him. He quickly quit crying. I think he knew, I was his dad. He knew my touch and he recognized my voice. This day would forever change my life.

Seeing your baby born is one of the most amazing miracles of God! It totally changed my life. In hindsight, Gabe became the reason for me becoming who I've become, or at least the husband and father I became leading up to his death. I often described the day he was born as though God just took the lid off my body and poured in a big bottle of love. I had never experienced anything like being a father and I loved being his dad!

Today is my son's birthday. If he were still here with us on this side of eternity, he would have been 20 today. In some ways today has been one of the hardest birthdays because today my son would no longer be a teenager. The reality of him always being 17, at least as we remember him, has been especially hard this year. Of course, there is also much I am thankful for. The way I see it, my son's birthday is a great day for him. He is at home; where he is supposed to be. Evil cannot touch him. He is with his papaw, which was always a staple for his birthday. Thank you for all those who remembered today as his birthday. Thank you for the prayers. Thanks for the comments on the "We MIss You Gabe" page on Facebook. There is always a hole in my heart, but I know it is one that will be filled by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And thankful to know that where He is, my son is also. God bless and No regrets! Happy birthday, Gabo!

She died, just as she lived--graciously. Debby Dillard was and is a saint. She was the most kind and gracious woman I ever met. Debby has been like a second mom to me over the last 25 years. She knows all the dirt on me there is to know and yet she still called me her pastor. Certainly she was a saint because of having Jesus Christ in her life, but she lived like a saint too. It did not matter how bad she felt, she always had a smile on her face. Whether she had little strength or not, she would go out of her way to make you feel like you were the most important person on the face of the earth. Whether she was working at a bank, for a contractor, in an insurance office or serving as a teacher in Sunday School, Debby did it with excellence. As her pastor, I will never forget her telling me, "All I can do is help with children." Well, the "all" she did could not be matched by any other. Children loved Ms. Debby. I wish I could do "all" she could do and have people love me the way all the kids loved her. There will be countless kids in heaven because of her faithfulness to serve, whether she felt like it or not.

I believe there is as much of a story in how we die as there is in how we live. Debby proved that to be true. She kept her faith. She bragged on Jesus. Debby was gracious and ready. It is no surprise that a week after the doctors told her they could do no more, she went out to meet her Lord and her Savior, but not before showing up at church one last time to see a few precious children follow through with believer's baptism--no doubt they were children her life touched. Our loss is certainly heaven's gain. She truly was a saint and she would want make sure that I told you this major truth: She was a saint because of her Savior, Jesus Christ. Without Him she would not have been the person she was. Thank you Debby for showing us how to live and how to die as a Christ follower. And Praise to You, O God, for the difference You make in our lives.

I was always one to get up as soon as the alarm clock went off. It was just the way I was wired. Of course, these days I hit the sleep button at least twice every day. Some days even that is not enough, so I will adjust the time for my alarm to go off. Most days, I would just soon put the covers over my head and avoid the world. I told someone recently that "I wish I could feel comfortable in my own skin again at some point in my life." Not five minutes after saying that someone called me. This person started sharing with me their own personal salvation story and it ignited a passion within me. In that moment God reminded me of the grace He shows to those who trust in His son Jesus Christ. In that moment I felt comfortable in my own skin again. God continues to amaze me. I am still in awe of Him, yet at the same time I stand frustrated with Him at times too.

It's tough! I wish people did not have to die. Of course, death respects no one. And make no mistake about it, death is an enemy. But for the Christian, death is defeated. And it is that truth that gives me what I need to eventually get out of bed every morning and go to work. I have been frustrated with God. I have had a lot of questions for Him, but I have not lost faith in Him. He is my God and thankfully, I am one of His people.

How big is your God? You may be thinking this is a trick question, and yes it is. Of course, you may be more spiritual than I am and simply answer that God is bigger than anything in your life. If your God is Jehovah God, then your answer would be true. But the question I ask is one of a more personal nature. How big is God in your life? So often, my God is not very big. He is not big because I tend to take matters out of His hands and place them in mine, which proves that I don't believe my God is very big or, at least, I think I am bigger than He. Too often, I choose to live life like anyone else. However, I am not anyone else. I am someone who has the Sprit of God in my life. Sure I am a human like anyone else, but I am a human with the Holy Spirit living in me. Why is this important? Because the God that lives in me is the same God that raised Jesus from the dead. So if this same powerful God lives in me, then why do I essentially say "I know you raised Jesus from the dead; but my problems are just too much for You and I need to deal with them by myself"? When I have that attitude then I don't believe my God is very big. So, let me ask you a question: As you struggle through whatever life has thrown your way, how big is your God?

I have been a scrooge during the Christmas holidays for several years now. One would think, if you know me, that this year would not be the exception. 2009 has definitely been the toughest year of my life. I lost my dog of fifteen years, then three weeks later my dad died. Eleven weeks after that my son died. Four weeks after that I lost my brother-in-law. In one year, I became the patriarch of my family, was thrown into being an empty nester a year too soon and in a way that no parent wants to be an empty nester. Needless to say, it has been a tough year. Yet, in the strangest of ways, I have been more thankful this year than ever. If there is advice that I can share with you, it would be this: Life is too short and this life, that is so short, is not the life we should live for. The life to come is what we should live for. With that in mind, learn to live in the present. Scripture tells us we should not worry about tomorrow because today has enough problems of its own. Live in the now because you might not have later. I usually did a good job of that with Gabe. I always took time with him - be it going to a midnight showing of some movie that he wanted to see or staying up all night to watch 24 episodes of Smallville. I am thankful for those moments. So, learn to live in the present.

Second, don’t spend so much time being stressed about things that should not stress you. I wish I could say that I did a good job of that, but I didn’t. I have small regrets, not ones I lose sleep over, but just small regrets. I always worked hard to get colleges to look at my son. I wanted him to have that same passion and needless to say, that as a teenager, he did not always have that same passion. I would get frustrated and tell him that I was going to quit helping. I never did, so I am thankful for that, but I wish I had never told him that. It is so small now. Always tell your family and friends you love them, regardless if you are mad at them or not. We have always done this in my family and I am so glad. The last words my son ever heard me say and the last words I ever heard him say were “I love you.” Another thing I would recommend is to cherish the friends that walk the road of life with you. In many ways, they are more of my family than those that are of my kin. Why? Well because in my case, they are Christian friends and I will spend eternity with them. I don’t have that promise of all my blood kin. I’m just saying.

Third, appreciate God’s creativity and allow God to use it to speak the volumes of love He has for you into your life. I love the ocean because it always reminds me of the vastness of God. I love the mountains and everytime I see a clearing on top of a mountain, I see Gabe waving his hands and telling me it is okay. He also tells me that heaven is better than I could ever imagine. Watch an orchestra and be amazed at the incredible sound that comes from several violins playing in unison one big beautiful sound of music. Take time for silence and solitude. It is there that you will often find the voice of God so loudly. Share with others how you really feel about them because you are not promised tomorrow to share it with them. Don’t ever be afraid to love. Make yourself vulnerable with others. It is true that you may get hurt, but the pain of having never truly loved would be worse than to love and be hurt. Serve an audience of one! He is who you will answer to. And finally, journal occasionally. Without journaling I could not have written these things. To all who read this blog, I say thank you. To all who pray for me, thank you. And to all who heed the thoughts and words of this blog, make sure you take time to thank God for taking me on this journey so that I could share with you. Rejoice in the Lord always, again I say Rejoice. Today, I rejoice!

No Regrets!

Chris